Things I didn’t do (because I was writing this instead)


I didn’t find strangers in a pub and force them to play Uno with me, including my favourite made-up rule of slapping someone on the head if they get the +4 card.


I did not shove my cat off my writing table, even though she is in the way and I can’t see what I’m typing.


I didn’t climb to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro. Going too far north gives me a nose bleed and Kilimanjaro seems like the northest north you could possibly get.


I didn’t invent an award winning multi-million downloaded app that lets you track the whereabouts of your pet by a tiny microchip inserted under their skin and a small camera on their collar, so you can see everything from their viewpoint as you watch them on your iphone.


I didn’t join in with my housemate’s invented game of “pile everything on top of the already very full bin”. I think that must be a game for one.


I did not charge my ereader. Even though it has been asking me very nicely to Please Charge Your eReader. Please connect to an AC outlet or your computer to recharge for months now. The unnecessary capitalisation on the first sentence makes me distrusting of it so I’ll probably just read a book because I don’t have to remember to charge that, thanks.


I didn’t empty the contents of the contact lens case you used when you stayed over.


I did not make a collage out of leaves, twigs and tiny pieces of fluffy feathers. I did not frame it and post it to my mum with a hand written poem that I wrote when I was fifteen and full of hormones and angst and longing for the popular boy in my year to notice me and fall in love with me.


I didn’t run after the 1970s Triumph Stag that passed me as I was walking home. I didn’t ask the driver to come with me to film a black and white film about the perils of not wearing a seatbelt. I did not ask him to grow a mustache for the role.


I did not write the story that is my own sadness. Instead I wrote something that is full of solace.

This piece was written as a nod to a story I read on Medium by Ben Kassoy, who (if he reads it) I hope will take as a complimentary “I tip my hat to you, sir” rather than complete plagiarism and make me delete it. 

You can read Ben’s much funnier, much more eloquent version here: Things I didn’t do because I was writing this

4 thoughts on “Things I didn’t do (because I was writing this instead)

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  1. Oh, I LOVED this – absolutely gorgeous Mel. It just builds and builds. The last 4 pieces are so poignant and touching. I think you might have a future in flash fiction.

  2. Thank you! I’m so glad you liked it! Flash fiction is my favourite thing at the moment, so your comment has made me very happy ❤

  3. Melissa! I recently googled my original “Things I Didn’t Do” piece and found yours for the first time. Bravo! Very funny and pithy and insightful; your last two entries especially struck me. Thank you for the homage, and kudos to you. I hope all is well.

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